the last weekend.

saturday.

off to glebe market. with uncle chio.

the first time.

potential stuff to be bought but given my current financial status.....it is unfortunate that i cannot be the owner of those nice things.

the market was super compact-ed. every inch confirm got shop wan.

too pricey for market standards.

my evening was to musashi for miss shannel's birthday.

sunday.

i went shopping! with uncle chio again.

went to general pants and came out 250 poorer......

i'm the proud owner of a pair of nudie skinny and a chanel strap belt:)

lovin' it.

believe or not for the first time in so many months me and chio finally had the time to go dating on a weekend..

and it must be the last weekend for us in sydney.

i enjoyed today.

minus the complaining from mr. whitechick.

max brennar was super awesome.

i have to have like a few more shots before i head back home.

i'll be missing sydney:(

finally hit me that i will be going back for good.

shito desu....

nice knowing you:)

sexy.

hot.

erotic.

orgasmic.

pretty.

annoying.

gay.

girlish.

egoist.

awesomeness.

my everything...shio:)

i'm back.

had a short roadtrip and totally loving it.

went to jamberoo, an hour and the half from sydney.

awesomeness:)

be heading home soonish.

sad that i might be leaving aussie land for good.

into the drama world of malaysia.

sigh.

been spending lots and lots of cash.

guess going back i must be daddy's good girl again.

liz's birthday was just a couple of days ago.

so happy birthday girl again!

love you to bits.

i'll be seeing you very soon:)

i finally finished my first and last paper today.

yippee!

and yesh my eye bags resembles hamburgers now...i've been awake since 3 in the morning!

too bad i couldn't really teman angku:(

i miss his fuck face. i miss his lame jokes. i miss his presence. i miss him just entertaining.

:(

my plans from today onwards is jaga strawberries.

be a good girl friend.

club like shit.

pack my stuff.

get my jap visa done.

shopping.

shpping.

more shopping...

and yeah not forgetting...to plan the boat trip:)

so much that i want to leave.

i hate it cause everyone in melb is coming over for hols.

you guys didn't even bother waiting for me to at least finish my exam first :(

my one and only paper is friday.

i hate studying and this paper involves alot of writing, thus more stress.

but after this paper i am finally free from books:)

and it might oni take me a while to miss uni again.

i hate studying i noe but for the past 3 years i made uni life a habit.

i dont attend much classes but i just..um..sort of enjoyed the stress and the workload unconsciously? lols.

i complain alot because i do everything last minute and yes i hate studying.

but in a blink of both eyes, i'm finally done.

no more unis :(

a love story.

some pictures i like.

but i will still have to improvise on the angles.

it's quite there but not there yet...

i cant help but have to put in the shot with shio.

we have a love story to tell too ;)

i just came back from hallow party.

it's early but clubbing is a no no tonight.

i'm an angel.

forgot to take the angelic me before i hit the party.

lols.

my room is as messy as ever.

so is my life.

i wish things would happen to be as i have visioned life would.

sigh.

my cousin's here in sydney for the weekend.

i has been a long time since our last pillow talk.

she falls asleep half way of the conversation as usual ;)

talking to her made me come up with a plan.

here it is:

i want to be a good girlfriend.

at least even when shio breaks up with me he'd remember me.

not as the messy hot tempered girl friend but as someone who would be remembered for the right thing.

no more saying because of mike i cannot do this for my next boyfren anymore and blah blah....

no more of that. i must act like a girlfriend who gives a shit..

not a girlfriend who noes how to whine. whine. and whine.

and i found my audrey hepburn dress already!

went to the surburb with cousy and the dress caused her bloody 109 aussie.

suck blood!

but i like it:)

i miss malaysian food.

will be back in less than two months time.

i feel gloomy. cause i'm leaving sydney:(

it might be for good. 70 percento sure about it.

should i continue studying masters? just to get a pr?

but why continue studying when business anyway is not my field of interest.

so why study for the sake of studying.

i am sure there are other ways of staying.

maybe i have been away from home for too long.

always felt most people back home are just superficial.

am thankful to have avoided much drama and gossips for the past 2 years and the half.

people here dont care if i am wearing pyjamas or putting enough make up to make myself a pretty face.

people here care about your personality.

that's the real thing. they are friends with you not just cause you're a pretty face or miss popular.

people are friends with you because of you.

going back home would be burying myself again in all this rubbish people.

i just feel....maybe aussie might be a better place after all.

how can i express love when i dont feel at the utmost contentment.

i have neglected my blog for way too long.

i've learnt alot in the whole 22 years of my life.

from crawling. walking. running. jumping.

what's next?

life is short and sometimes i am just tired to follow a pace i cannot keep up.

yes life is short i know.

but in life it is good to take things one at a time.

i just satisfy the needs of everyone beside me all except myself.

i need to really chill out and really do what i really love doing.

i hate being peer pressured all the time.

i'm trying my best not to fall in that genre.

i really want the original me.

i have had my clothes on for many years now.

covering the real me.

and from now on,

it's time to just get naked and unveil the one inside.

why depend on someone when i am capable of doing things myself.

it's a choice that i can make.

after all i am a big girl now.

everything these days are just too complicated.

now i understand why adults are hardly contented.

and the worst part is..

never had i have such a big argument.

super full of emotions.

yet i cannot express myself.

i know what my heart wants and feel..

but to be bombarded with questions and answers that suggest otherwise...

it really got me thinking..

am i just stirring things up for fucks?

there is indeed nothing to argue about. so why argue in the first place?

not understanding the problem is a big thing.

there is no solution...

he say he is happy in this relationship.

i say i am not.

how now?

you're the only reason i'm hanging on.

i'm tired of trying.

i'm afraid of what awaits us in the few months time.

happy:)

monday was one of my best days.

just as i was feeling gloomy a few days ago,

just monday. made up for all that i have been missing.

all thanks to baby.

the flowers at floriade.

they were beautiful. but some dead cannot tahan hujan.

it was a long time since i felt like a little kid again.

no big decisions to make.

no burdens or must dos.

went there partly for my assignment but it was all good.

it was only me. chio. my cameras. and flowers.

beautiful is the only word to describe.

typing this is making me smile too:)

what a retard i noe...

movie review. again.

humming.

it's a korean movie.

i cried like fuck.

here's the story.

guy and girl had this long term relationship.

boy got tired. but girl was still as loving as ever.

boy wanted to stay away from girl.

not until she got into a serious accident.

boy realised he cannot live without her.

realised how much she meant.

so so sad :(:(

Definitely, Maybe.

an american one.

by ryan reynolds.

awesomeness.

it's a single father who has raised this little girl.

and was in the midst of a divorce.

little girl started to question about his love life before marriage.

she described it in a way where he changes the names of his lovers and the little girl is to guess who is the one the daddy's really in loved with.

very nice:)

rainy day's here again.

rain rain go away.

dont come again until at least wednesday?

:)

baby and i.

so much that i want to still be with him.

i just feel like ending things.

maybe i'm just thinking too much.

or maybe cause my expectations are just too high off bar.

if it's not for the love i would have left.

have i turned demanding?

in times like this i really dont know who to turn to anymore.

i dont want my friends to listen.

it's the same old thing.

i'm a big girl now.

and i should know what to do.

one minute he drugs me with ecstasy..

another minute he'd let me down so deep underground.

am i just being too selfish?

i cant continue feeling ups and downs, hiccups here and there.

why be with someone when you're forcing things.

lucky there is still hope.

it's all because...

i love you.

i wont give up, probably stay.

but please. please.

i want a sunny day.

not a rainy day.

so home....

my parents left for melbourne this morning :(

almost teared when i took the taxi back to white chick's place.

times with my parents were awesome.

and it got me time to think about my relationship too.

i just realised i cannot really live without shio.

well just as much as i enjoy being with my parents..

i was crazily thinking bout my baby..ALL THE TIME!

and i really think that i should start acting like a lady and be a very good girlfriend.

we're going for the floriade festival in canberra on friday.

triple :):):)

everything is just too clear now.

i know it is a bit weird.

but whatever my sister's friend said, she had all the answers circled.

10/10.

she said:

1. you have many friends. but you have problem trusting. you you'd rather have one or two to keep.

2. you have a boyfriend. he's given you a ring. but you choose not to get married. cause you dont think it's the right one?

3. shopping is your companion. money is the source. spend drift!

4. people just fall for you because of your eyes. your eyes speaks.

5. some secrets of yours are to be buried. away from your boyfriend especially. it was a bad past and you don't wish to turn back. fear he might not accept.

6. why worry in the future when more money would flow in.

7. you have good intentions in you. shouldn't you just loosen up abit?

8. your parents love you. and they're the best you can ever have.

my sister's friend could tell me all this just by looking at my features and my drawing.

a few days ago i was just blogging about how i felt about the boyfren.

i am abit scared now.

i am not ready for a lot of things.

and beginning to doubt if i should still continue.

i cannot live without him. just yet.

but something just feels so wrong.

perfect but not yet.

but he is a god damn refined man.

i mean which boyfriend would do laundry for you.

which boyfriend would cook for you.

and..and..clean your messy room.

and dry your hair for you.

and pays everything for you.

and wash the dishes.

they were all my duties but i just couldn't be bothered.

i want to be the princess.

and no guy should treat me lower.

and after thinking, it's not him who is the problem.

it is..me.

and yet i still find reasons to pick up a fight.

it makes him tired. and i am too.

he even told me:

' my ambition is not to become a househusband'

in times like this, i just feel like i don't have anyone to turn to.

it's really the obvious that it's my own bloody problem.

maybe i'm just to egoistic.

or a stuck up...

or too demanding..

sigh...

what should i do?

my first ray ban:)

every album must be associated with max's. i am coco addict.

she looks so cute here ;)



what a retard.


tourists take picture like this.

internet is now back on high speed.

haven't had the time to blog too cause little sis was here.

i feel so much better now.

having a real gf with me after so long feels so nice :)

we went shopping. like shit i tell you.

we spent money literally like water.

we ate our hearts out. well sort of.

and life felt so great again.

i cant wait for round no.2 this friday!

mummy and daddy will be here!

meantime.

assignments has to be done. which unfortunately with my skipping to joy attitude,

i really do not have the mood for books.

will get my hair dyed pitch black.

hair colour is super lala now.

will leave photographs of my sister's visit in the next post.

maybe. just maybe.

i really wonder.

and just maybe?

i'm faking a life that may seem perfect?

i look cool, but i may be a nerd by heart?

people think i am pretty, or is it cause of the layers of make up i slap on my face?

i may be a smoker, is it cause i cannot beat them i must join them?

i look like the most happening person, or am i just someone who prefers home by nature?

i have many friends, do i really need so many? or do i really call them friends?

i think i love my boy fren alot, or is it cause i am obliged to?

i just feel. just maybe.

sometimes i'm just trying too hard to satisfy myself.

or maybe it's just a way to push myself to perfection.

but do i feel happy by the end of the day?

honestly...

i really have no idea. and i really dont think so. i really need a break.

the city makes me feel boxed. they're really suffocating me metaphoricly.

boy fren has to go too. i really want my time alone.

oh well....

i am just so relieved that someone tomorrow will make me feel so at home.

my sister is coming to town :)

a tad disappointed.

i got only a credit for photography task 1.

which is a bad thing of course.

my passion for photography is so deep that i'll kill myself if things aren't just perfect.

okay. maybe too exaggerated.

but come on. almost everyone in class had credits.

even the ones i thought were shit.

i should just probably stop complaining and get into taking it as a motivation.

a drive to improve?

haha.

good news.

i won my bid in bay.

for some sailor jacket.

yippee!

movie review's in right now..

1. if only.
it was by accident i found this movie.

was looking through the comedy genre when i found this.

it turned out the other way round.

i cried my eyeballs out for this movie.

a love story with a drop of twisted ending.

2. little mermaid.
ooo..i love the story.

maybe i am still a girl who loves fairytale.

i really want to name my little girl ariel too:)

just some random thinking.

just when i thought that i have been maturing bit by bit....

now i think i am maturing backwards.

i am like a little kid again.

courtesy of via alley

and i landed in the land photography once again.

i was going through some random websites and i found cameras by powershovel.

the creator of a Japanese company and i am bloody tempted to get one myself.

daily routine.

tomorrow's photoshoot with the hot katherine would be on daily routine.

they'd be outdoor and indoor scenes.

hope this turns out right.

*fingers crossed*

fickle. fickle. fickle.

should i still stay in the aussie land?

or..

go back to my beloved country?

there is only one answer.

so difficult to decide.

wished i was still 5 years old.

mom and dad would have decided for me.

decisions these days are harder to make:(

another photography assignment is here again.

i dont have that much of a time just to do photography alone.

this subject really stresses out every vain in me.

dont misunderstand. i really do love photography.

but it's just not as easy as i thought.

if i'd only had one subject this sem, things would have been much easier.

and looking for the correct model to fit is brain twisting sometimes.

sigh.sigh.sigh.

my photography session with foony went well enough.

washed the film right.

and yes there appeared to be bracketing on the film strips.

one assignment done. tonnes to go:(

girl weeping and went back home.

boy wanted her to stay but she resisted.

girl.
whatever i do is wrong.
you had a bad morning. i had mine too.
just imagine sitting in the freaking photo lab just to get your films washed and it never did turn out right.
and i dont deserve to be in a bad mood as well?
i just needed a hug.
i came back jumping on the bed to spread my arms around you.
you rejected.
i'm a girl.
i have feelings too.

boy.
sigh.
you should have told me earlier.
i'm sorry.
we'll have lunch and we'll take the photos tomorrow.

girl.
i dont need you as my model.
i dont need you lunch with me.
i just want you to be supportive.
you are never.
i love photography as much as you love football.
i've learn more about footie more than i used to.

boy.
whatever. fine.
i did go take photos with you and you think i'm not supportive?
what should i do.
i dont wanna argue.
i am so willing to be your model.
and you're declining?

girl.
sorry if i sounded too harsh.
you're making me sad today.
i dont have to tell you all this.
you should know how many times my pictures never turned out.

i've already asked someone else today.
like what i've said. sorry if i may sound harsh.
i cant really think straight right now cause i'm fucking pissed.
i really needed you today.
as simple an just comforting me.

boy.
the problem is you share alot of things with your friends and not to me.
you do your thing when you're home i dont even complain.
when i talk to you, you just answer for the sake of doing so.
we dont really talk and and i am not even sure whether to talk to you when you're busy.
sigh.
i'm sorry for making you pissed.

girl.
i dont have that much problems.
whatever you noe is probably more than what they do.
and what are you talking about.
i admit i may be ignorant at times but you are as well right?
so why complain?
it's a give and take situation here.
you said i simply answer you.
what about when you're stoning?

boy.
i've wanted to tell you this a long time ago.
but i'd never want to see you upset.
i prefer us staying at our own homes.
we need our own time alone.
not that i dont enjoy stying with you but i think we'd appreciate each other more.
i was afraid that you might think this as a negative.

i miss you very much when you're not here with me.
the problem now is we dont really have the missing feeling cause we noe we'd see each other in a couple of hours even when we're out by ourselves.
it's probably the reason why we quarrel often.

girl.
i did think of it too.
but i cannot bear the feeling of you noe beside me.
maybe you just dont feel as strong.
but i really do feel lonely when i get back home.
if you say so i'd be fine.
i dont want to rely too much on you too.

boy.
i miss you alot too like right now.
and that's when we're think of the positive sides more than the negatives.

i hope you dont think otherwise when i say i prefer you to stay back home.
i miss you. i really do.

girl.
i've been doing much thinking too.
sydney has been one of the best times for us.
i have fear that things will fail when we get back for good.
i wont see you for weeks, probably months.
kl might not be my base to work.
and knowing you, how you treated your ex; i'm afraid round no.2 will strike.
i've always wanted to tell you this.
we might not have such an opportunity once we get back home for good.

we dont argue all the time.
i just wish you not to be ridiculous at times.
it hurts when you sometimes find me irritating when i'm not even doing anything.
i'm afraid. very afraid.
things would be so different next time.
to tell you honestly i doubt things would turn for the better.
it's not that i am pessimistic.
but i've got plans to work outside malaysia.
from the way i see us handling a relationship just as near as kl to pg;i never like it.
i missed you like crazy you know.

boy.
i'm tearing already when you said that.
i thought of all this too but i'm sure we'll meet up and stuff baby.
dont be afraid.
if we're meant then we are.
we cannot guarantee the future for now.
you just need to know that i love you alot right now.

girl.
i'm just tired of the breaking up cycle.
i've had enough of all this.
you noe i've always had the worst.
i just want to see you and appreciate you everyday.
it's gonna be hard next time.
trust me.
and even if we're meant to be it's just not as easy.
i have a feeling that one of us will back out.
i'm just sick of feeling inlove

boy.
so sorry for treating you that way.
i was so afraid to tell you what i thought.
i was scared you'd be angry and start thinking negative.
and you see. you didn't even tell me bout your plans to work out of malaysia.
and i oso noticed you talk to my friends more passionately about yout hobbies than to me.

girl.
cant you see me changing.
i'm starting to hang out with girls again.

i appreciate that and i'm glad we opened up.
you should know i am not as good in talking.
probably that is why we argue alot.
trust me that i am not faking it or anything.
deep down you know that i love you alot right.

maybe it's my character.
my shallow knowledge on things that i dont care.
or maybe i get jealous when my gf talks passionately to others.
i'm not blaming you for that.
i know i can be quite ignorant.
maybe cause i just am.

girl.
it's cause you dont seemed interested.
i tell sean stuff and he'd help or at least give me something logical.
i dont mean to make you feel this way.
i am sorry too.
i am very scared of alot of things that might come in the future.
am not at all excited on this new journey.
we never have had a serious conversation for a while now.
and you have never been very responsive anyway.
and must i even tell you that i always praise you infront of my friends?

never say you're shallow cause you're not.
you're just ignorant and you choose to be.
everyone is ignorant by nature.
so all i am asking from you is to be less ignorant and be more sensitive.
and for that i love you.

boy.
appreciate that baby.
i just washed my eyes and it's getting watery again.
who's fault is it? haha.
you get some sleep before you get another moody day tomorrow.
goodnight baby.

girl.
i am crying like shit too.
eyes worst that hamburger.
thank you for opening up too.
sorry if i shout alot at times.
unintentional really.
i feel very small and the only way people can hear me is by raising my voice.
and i know my ego is too big for a girl sometimes.
sorry for that love.

missing times.

i am supposed to be asleep now.

i have a date at 11am with the photo lab to get my films washed.

my mind will not rest thinking of my friends back in malaysia.

i really miss them dearly.

life has only a forward button.

those yesteryears high times will only be kept in the memory compartment.

i have changed much in these years.

even my appearance has.

from the girl who always look young to a grown lady who is now going through some pre wrinkle crisis.

yes i am only 22 and i already have wrinkles here and there.

my skin used to be clear. well in my term of acceptable to pimples popping and they have their seasonal periods.

i have learn to adapt. my group of friends have changed much during my two year stay in australia.

i haven't seen shannel for a long time.

we've drifted along the way but part of me thinks that i should still give it a go to our friendship. again.

some people might dislike you but i believe that you have changed for the better.

they're talking about you because of their resistence to change what they have preceived earlier.

i am ready now for our lunch date.

and i love you too. it's good to hear from you. really.

i haven't seen liz for a long time too.

i feel bad for not meeting up when i was around malaysia.

blame my ignorance.

so much has changed and i know i have so much to catch up.

i wished i can press a rewind button to relive our happy moments.

i really hope to see you more often when i get back.

i know you'd be busy working your arse off and time playing an important factor would mean less time meeting up.

but i really hope our high times will be revived when i get back.

love you always.

thank you for the happy moments.

it was one of the best times.

i always playback at the back of my head. wished we were back then.

so pretty they make me feel ugly.

foony and i attended the rosemount festival.

we decided to go for the lingerie one.

not as good as victoria S but good enough.

pictures appeared blur because i shoud have put on the normal mode rather than the bulk mode.

am still waiting to take the pictures fro foony:)

kelly's now back in kl and i really miss her.

i had a really good time with her.

catching up with new stories. talking about the good times of the past. and how we are enjoying every moment in the present.

love you too girl.

i wished you had more time here.

moving on to my next story...

i have only two subjects. plus 1 more my jap.

sad to say but i have returned back to my old shell. the care less is better attitude.

i love photography. i really do. but the effort i put in for the shoot was just for the sake of having pictures taken.

for julie. she really gave her heart.

i took oni 15 minutes to finish and she took an hour.

and i've already skipped two weeks of jap class. this is no good.

i dont think my subjects are too difficult.

it's probably my ignorance and lack of drive to be the best.

it's already 5 and i'm still awake.

i dont like waking up with a few hours of sleep.

what is it with me?

sleep little girl.

really hope that i can make it for the rosemount sydney fashion.

frankie mag rocks my socks :)

miss cheah dont know how to load film correctly.

thus my an hour an the half to develop my film turned out black!

shit. shit. shit.

haha. hopefully kenny's free for the 2nd shot.

today.

shopping will always make me happy.

it's cause i dont feel the pain in my pocket.

my victoria secret package is finally here.

according to the housemate there's like only one piece in the back.

but i ordere a bikini bottom and a top!

anyway.

talking about my new second hand manual slr.

it's not working man.

i didn't know how to check it in the first place and only got to when i found out later.

it's shit i know.

i have to get the pictures taken by wednesday.

am praying hard tomorrow will be a sunny nice day.

please dont rain. give me sunshine.

you can rain after i'm done with the shoot.

please.

on the 21st this month.

our signature.

this 21st would mark the 11th month we've been together.

lame. funny. smelly. too hot at times. gay sometimes.

small heart. big heart. short tempered. super super patient.

very bunny. ignorant.

he can be very contradicting. trust me.

he can be very understanding.

or he'd merajuk for hours. probably longer than us girls siu hei.

but it's these flaws or i would say his trait that makes him unique to me.

it's all this things that i overlook. i find it cute.

it's funny how love can take you so high.

it's just funny how love makes you so blind.

really not sure if we're end up down the aisle

but i am really happy at where i am standing now.

girl. just pin the map.

i know very well mom and daddy will ask me to travel after i graduate.

half a year break just to tour.

all expenses covered by them.

i feel bad. and why so?

1. i was supposed to graduate a year ago.

2. i'm 22 and still living comfortably under my parents' shelter.

3. i can be impulsive if i want to and thus would not stop at the second count of a minute just to think.

4. i choose to be shallow minded thinking money still grows on trees. and daddy is a rich man which is so not true. money spent at this rate i'm afraid reserve will run dry.

5. daddy. my daddy has endured not little and has gone through much of his whole life. it's time for him to kick back and let his elder daughter do the job. give him the best life.

6. i cannot imagine anyone at my age as lucky. there are money crisis from time to time but i know dad has a soft heart. he wouldn't even allow me to be left with 1000 in my bank.

and therefore the conclusion is i am a naive daughter.

i chose to be and still want to live life a bed of roses.

born that and i always wished life would have gone that way and not the hard way.

seeing much of the real world doesn't seem all appealing at all.

i am a tough girl but i have fears as well.

i am afraid i wont be able to live up to my current lifestyle. what i want i get.

there is no NOs from my parents but yes sometimes from mummy but eventually she'll just

close an eye.

we girls- jeannie jean, diane and julie had this conversation on our career path in the future.

i really want to make it big but not too big to overshadow my hubby.

just successful at the correct dot. but how? am i capable of?

i dont want to depend on people my dad know or i know to get one.

i never respected those who het easy ways in but that's really reality.

in malaysia is not what you know.

it's always who you know.

sad to say but working life works this way.

20 feet lucky.

in times when i get so pissed i can really sound like a bitch.

if k hong were to be just right beside me i would have punched him direct in the face.

which guy would actually use a girl's topshop bag?

'i replace for you with the coles bag lah'

what the hell?

hello! it's top shop and are you even gay? not that i have a any problem with gay friends but why did you even leave it in malaysia?

an item not yours dont take la.

you've ruin so many things.

shio's party. of all person it must be you to tell him.

then it must be you to take my bag.

and you have a mouth worse than a whore's.

being the CNN of sydney is something you shouldn't be proud of.

i have been very patient with you already and have given you much face.

but this time. this time is so different.

boiling point has reached its limit.